Hare Krishna to all devotees
I am a 17 year old boy in class 10+2 and in need of a friendly advice as to how can I rise from maya in which I am fully trapped.
I am a really really introvert and narrow minded person and gathered huge courage even to write this post. As a small kid in class 7 (12 years of age), I started surfing the net. At that time I was good in my studies and optimistic in life. Then one day, a friend of mine(who proved to be the real enemy), introduced me for the first time to an adult website. This made me feel restless and I started going to the cafe regularly. None in my family suspected anything wrong at that time as I was a rank holder at that time. My anxiety to watch such content grew virally. I would spend 2 hours everyday at the cafe and as my family knows little about the net till date, no one has ever got a sign of what I had been watching till today when my sister caught me red handed. I was really ashamed to even face her. She is a good Krishna devoted person and advised me to talk in this forum.
Since then when I started watching such things on the net, the atmosphere of my class also changed. It became a habit for them to talk nonsense and vulgar language in a convent school. But due to my timid nature, I never accepted to become like them. As a result resistance developed and many children started hating me. Also being in maya, my mind further deviated to a girl in class 8th!! This provided everyone enough opportunity to bark foul words at me. Earlier, all the teachers had never any complaint against me since childhood, now I started deteriotating in my studies to and took more interest in games. By the middle of 8th, by grace of GOD, I again focussed myself to studies and at last bagged 3rd rank in the class. After wards in 9th, I became proud, more and more lusty, always anxious, devoid of any peace of mind. Since I had to hear all the foolish talks of my fellow beings, that went deep into my sub-conscious mind. The gap between right and wrong, pious and unpious became blurred for me. I went deep and deeper into maya, dancing like a puppet.
Since 7th my sister told me to chant Hare Krishna and visit ISKCON temple, I never bothered. I also had no control on my eating process and ate junk food, now my face is full of pimples which has further depressed me. In 9th class, due to some problems, my source of inspiration, my mother, a very educated, sober and high thinking personality became practically unconscious i.e. lost control over her senses and ours too. Then began my real degradation. I had no support, my father worked hundreds of miles away and visited us once in a month. At home, there was all sort of drama, beatings, quarrel, insult by neighbours, warnings by land lord and we fell deep into financial crisis. One of the reasons was the psychological illness of our mother, which made us more and more sorrowful. There seemed not a ray of light anywhere, like as if trapped in a dark well full of snakes. Then I started going to ISKCON and chanted 2 rounds daily. Bearings the pain of our past sinful deeds, I chanted with faith and in 10th came up with 94% in aggregate. That was mercy of Lord Krishna. But I did not get any good association even in the temple and I went deeper and deeper into the illusion of the web. At one place I chanted, while in the other watched all sorts of rubbish.
In 11th, I was forced to go to a sub-standard school even lower than the so called convent school. I became more and more attached to maya and fell in devotion. At the present moment, I am in 12th, boards are coming up at the head, time is less, my preparation is zero and career is at risk. I find it very difficult to chant and control my senses. Till date, I have been watching all sorts of garbage on the net but am unable to give it up at once. At times, Lord Krishna tries to stop me from within my heart, but I don't know why I disobey him. There seems to be no hope and I finally submit myself at the feet of all the determined devotees. Please grant the blessings of your lotus feet and guide me to get out of this maya.
Yours servant